Open This Immediatly!
by The Unknown1
Summary: The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant, in it's normal workday, sends out plenty of letters. We have for you a copy of some of those letters.
1. Open This Immediatly

To:

John Doe

555 5th Street

Parts Unknown, TX, USA, Universe 616

From:

Selection Committee, c/o Sergeant Candy Sprinkles

4th Wall Street

Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

**To Whom It May Concern:**

Greetings and Salutations, reader. We here at the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant (known in an unofficial sense as the Cult of Pinkamena) have sent this letter to you. If you are the intended recipient above, congratulations! You have, by Her Random Drawing, been selected to participate in the Red Cupcake Ceremony!

**Wait, how did you get this address? And my name?**

The Phone Book, silly.

**But I never signed up for any drawing!**

That's okay. Anyone in any universe considered of legal age (for this, we use any age your nation declares you to be an adult at) is automatically entered into the drawing. No purchase necessary.

**Fine, what is this "Cult of Pinkamena"?**

That's a very good question.

The answer is simple. We a group with one goal in mind: The worship and fulfillment of the will of Pinkamena Diane Pie, She Who Bakes The Cupcakes, The Angel In Pink, The Prancing Chaos, The Bringer of the Party, The Neverending Enjoyment.

It is a symbiotic relationship. We fulfill Her Will, and She Blesses us in a multitude of ways. It is hard to describe in this letter, but if you mail us Form T-3, we will send you more information on Her.

**Okay, so you said I was selected in a drawing?**

Yes. Due to Her Will, she selected your name from among the infinite amount of names inside her Hat. The fact you were selected is a great honor, for you will now be a part of the Ceremony. Within three to four days (Our time, considering we are not sure what measurement of time you are using, if any.), one of our many Representatives will come for you personally. (Considering which, they should have ID on them identifying them as one of us. If they do not, they may be not be from us.)

**Wait, you drew my name from a hat?**

Not a hat, the Hat. A white baking chef hat, within which lies the names of all who may take part.

**Anyways, so you said something about a Ceremony?**

Why yes, the Red Cupcake Ceremony.

**So, what is it?**

Well, you will be escorted from your residence to one of our very secure (and very private) facilities. At this point, in front of many of our witnesses, you will have the privilege of being surgically torn apart by one of our top High Priests. You may even be fortunate enough to be worked on by Pinkamena Herself.

You will, of course, be awake for the entire procedure, with no medication for pain. We do this because

A) It heightens the experience to hear your screams and various noises of suffereing. It's kind of hard to enjoy the Ceremony if your drugged out of your mind on morphine. (If you do not have morphine on your universe, please substitute pain neutralizer here.)

B) It may interfere what how we use your remains, due to various chemical interactions, it may render them unfit, which violates one of the Promised Rules.

Do note, we will try to keep you alive for as long as possible, so that we may preform the best possible Ceremony that we can, that we may please Her to our utmost ability.

**Wait, your going to do WHAT to me?!**

Well, we can't tell you exactly what, for we do not know which High Priest will be in charge, which will give us a gist of what will happen during the Ceremony. For example, one of our High Priestess prefers using musical instruments, allowing the music she creates from her violin to synchronize with the screams of the participants. Of course, not everyone uses this method. And with Her, she changes her methods every time, allowing us to witness Her Infinite Creativity while she allows us to witness.

As to what happens to you after, we here at the Cult of Pinkamena follow one of the Promised Rules: Use Everything You Can. Be Creative In How You Do So. So we will use your body for various things. Anything we think is edible will be turn into delicacies of the dessert variety. Many of us like to make cupcakes, based off of Her first Ceremony. Others, however, do like to make things up, such as flan, regular cake, brownies, and such. There was even a High Priest who could make sugar skulls, based off of his native Mexico.

However, others like to show of our fashion making talents. Things that extrude from the main body, such as wings, horns, ect., may be cut off and used as accessories for things such as necklaces, earrings, and what have you. Dresses have been made from past participants (If you would like examples, please fill out form 25-D so that we may subscribe you to our catalogue, currently displaying our Winter Wrap-Up line.)

Anything that may be used to help our members in time of need, such as livers, hearts, ect., may also be saved for emergency transplants. Remember, your contribution may be saving our lives!

**Are you all CRAZY?!**

We might have been at one time or another, but then She found us, for which we are forever grateful. However, I'm afraid that you can not be a Participant in the Red Cupcake Ceremony and an Initiate at the same time. Our apologizes.

**This must be some mistake! I can't die like this!**

If you believe this correspondence has reached you in error, please fill out form 19-B, attached with this letter, and please mail it back to us. We do try to ensure that Participants have actually had the benefit of being chosen by Her, and not the postal service of your local residence.

**I'm not going. You can't force me into this**

We can understand the trepidation you are probably feeling right now. Almost all Participants have their fears and worries. However, this does not excuse one from their duties. She has chosen you, and Her Will Be Done.

All Representatives are combat trained, both mentally and physically, and trained in all styles of fighting styles, such as Shotokan, Rex Kwan Do, and Insult Swordfighting. As such, they are more than able to insure your willingness to participate.

However, we do not like to use such measures, as they take time and treasure to enforce, and might damage you, which will require us to nurse you to full strength before we begin the Ceremony, which of course delays it. So would also like to use enticements to make it easier. For example, you may select some of we do with your remains if you willingly participate. Other benefits may be negotiated, such as family and friends present, or certain treats given to those of your choice. If you wish this, please fill out form B-16 and mail it back to us.

**But what if I have more questions?**

We here are always happy to answer any questions you may have. Please write them down, and mail it to us, or ask your incoming Representative.

We look forward to your arrival, and thank you for supporting the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant

Her Will Be Done

New Order

P.S. For a donation of 30 bits, Equestrian, we will send you a copy of "The Life of Pinkamena", an autobiographic look at Her Who Bakes The Cupcakes, Her life, and her goals for the future. Form Q-13 displays the exchange rate

So...

I decided to do this just for a bit of fun, and on a whim. Sometimes, one could look at Cupcakes, and think "The Horror! The Horror!". Others, like me, take a look at this and think "How can I use this idea and further it?" And so, this was created!

If you think this should continue or be a one-shot, let me know in the comments. If you think I'm a bit disturbed in the head, feel free to let me know as well.

I would like to thank Arkalest for helping me out with this, Sgt. Sprinkles for writing Cupcakes, and Spacebattles for... bring Spacebattles. There is a Thread for this as well on there.

threads/open-this-immediatly.266571/

Until Then

Kenneth Invictus/The Unknown1


	2. Form 19-B: Mistaken Selection

To:

Ms. Ida Netifi

250 Thatta Way

Los Angeles, CA, USA, Universe 404

From:

The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant

4th Wall Street

Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

**To Whom This May Concern:**

Greetings and Salutations from the Cult of Pinkamena! We are sending this letter to you in response to your completion of Form 19-B, Mistaken Selection.

**Oh thank (Insert Deity of Choice Here) You've got my letter?**

Why yes, we have. Unlike the local message services, both of the electronic and material variety, we here employ our own Messengers, which are different from our Representatives.

**Wait, how so?**

Our Messengers will always be wearing a standardized cloak of muted pink, and have a satchel on one side of them with the Church's logo, and the Messanger's Logo printed on. This satchel will also be a muted pink. (Do note that if you can not see pink, or at all, you can always ask them. They will identify themselves truthfully to any proper recipient of our messages.)

On that note, if you think that someone is illegally wearing one of our outfits, and is not a Messenger, we stress that you please fill out form O-33, and mail it back to us immediately. We here at the Cult take a rather dim view of others who attempt to claim they are of us, but are not.

**But what about the Representatives?**

You'll know them when you see them.

**So, about my letter...**

Ah, Yes. The crux of the matter. While, as a general rule, we do send our mail to the correct location, every once in a while we will be mistaken. This can range from anything as simple as placing it in the wrong mail box (or similar device), to a mistake on the paperwork before drafting of the letter, to possibly even a mistake by Her. (Even Pinkamena has admitted error, as rare as it is. This does not decrease Her Will by any standards. In fact, it endears us more to Her, for She understands and forgives us for our transgressions.)

When we check for any error, we do the following things, in order.

A) Pinkamena Herself redraws from a different Hat, similar in nature, but different (It's blue in color, as opposed to white.) If the name is the same as was first drawn, this removes Her from the reason of the error.

B) We double check our known data against what was given to the Messenger, in case he/she/it/other made a mistake in the delivery of the message, or information was conveyed in a mistaken manner. (For example, Y'go$a sounds familiar to Y go$a. Trust us, it is next to impossible to deal with eldritch names. And that's not even getting to names that have no sounds at all.)

C) We double check our known data against new information. It's possible that the person has changed various things between the time we've sent our message, and the time it actually gets there. You'd be surprised how many people will change their address, name, race, gender, nationality, species, universe of origin, material possessions, memories, or even their life/death/undeath/non-existence status. It takes us time to track them down, and sometimes we make mistakes.

D) Failing A, B, and C, we take a look at other, minor possibilities that could have been the cause.

If, after this, everything lines up, we go under the assumption that you have been chosen to participate in the Red Cupcake Ceremony. However, this does take time, from 6 hours at the earliest, to the possibility of a week (Dependent on how expedient the paperwork goes through, relative to how time works on your plane of existence)

In the mean time, we have recalled our Representative, so that he/she/it/other may not accidently discomfort you by gathering you prematurely. If you are found to be truly selected, the Representative will come for you within the next 24 hours. If you have not been chosen, you won't be bothered on this instance again.

**So, what's the verdict?**

We, The Office of Verification, of the Headquarters of the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant, based on all information given, and blessed by Her, have come to the following conclusion:

You **HAVE NOT** been selected

We understand that you must be disappointed by this outcome, for it is a high honor to be a part of the Ceremony. However, we may only have those who are truly chosen by Her to participate (With some expectations, of course). We hope you understand, and are not saddened by this. You may be able to serve Her Will in other ways. If you are interested, please ask for the pamphlet "Her Will and You: Ways of Interaction"

**Reason for Non-Selection: Mistaken Final Destination of Letter**

When the letter was sent, it was suppose to be sent to the following address:

Ms. Ida Netifi

250 Thatta Way

Los Angeles, CA, USA, Universe 405

However, when the Messenger was hurtled through the multiverse by the Office of Travel, he/she/it/other was accidently sent to Universe 404, which was so similar in nature that it was easy to make the mistake and deliver our message to you, when it should have been given to a different instance of you.

We have chided the Officer who made this mistaken, and have docked him one day's Blessings (Which will be given to you instead, and is enclosed with this letter), as well as an 1 hour refresher course on Multiversal Targeting (Which is available in our catalog, if you are interested.)

Once again, we apologize for our error, and hope that you may not think less of us. We will not bother you again on this matter.

Her Will Be Done

Miss T. Aiken

Head Priest, The Office of Verification

P.S.

We should warn you that some of the contents in the Blessings, including the cupcake, have traces of peanuts in them. If you are allergic to peanuts, please send it back, along with form S-4, for a different Blessing.

Author's Note:

Well, there is chapter 2! Take it as it is.

It might not be as humorous as the first one, but I feel it adds some extra information, a little worldbuilding (in a sense), and some enjoyment.

Now, chapter 3 might take a bit of time. But I've got some idea brewing, including some internal letters (known to others as "Memos), and some different ideas...

Thanks to Spacebattles for the pre-reading, especially Roots Lord.

Until Chapter 3

Kenneth Invictus (FimFiction) / The Unknown1 (Fanfiction) / Novus Ordo Mundi (Spacebattles)


	3. Bill For Damages

To:

Pavlina Solovyoy

28 Aleutskaya St

Vladivostok, Russia, Universe 5342

From:

Billing Department

The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant

4th Wall Street

Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To whom it may concern:

Greetings, from the Cult of Pinkamena.

We regret to tell you that, due to the damaging actions caused by one Anatoni Solovyov , we are required to ask for that damage to be recompensed. Because we can no longer find Mr. Solovyov, we are charging you, his wife, as required by our Treasury department.

We are requesting that you pay us back to the amount of : *424,039 Equestrian Bits* (Form Q-13 has the exchange rate for Russian rubles, along with other types of money)

Unless you contact us within the first 30 days, you will be considered overdue on your payment, and we will have no choice but to find other ways to collect on the delinquent bill.

As for the charges, this will be dealt with in two parts: The incident in which you are being charged for, and an itemized list of each reason the money is owed, along with said amount.

On August 10th, 2013 (Recipient's Time), we dispatched one of our Representatives to the location of Mr. Solovyov, 72 hours after the delivering of one of our letters to him. This is in accordance to our policies, and was in complete order.

According to the statements of said Representatives, one Lightning Rider (Representative Number: 25443, Race: Pegasus, Gender: Stallion), he states in his report that as he landed in the front yard of the location, he had smelled what had been described as a very strong odor of gasoline surrounding the place. However, this was not enough to deter our selfless Pegasus, as he walked up to the front door, and knocked on it.

This is, in his own words, "when everything went explodey and boomy and glowing!"

The house at the address given was subjected to immediate combustion and/or immolation, creating an explosive force that rendered the location unsurvivable for most creatures.

Do not fear, because for some reason, Lightning Rider's special talent is surviving things that, at first glance, should not have been survivable. Most times we cannot figure out how he does so, (we've already gone through three High Priests due to logic bombs trying to answer this question.) We are still trying to figure out exactly how he survived, but our best guess is he surfed the explosion via the front door. It makes as much sense as it sounds.

This being said, he still experienced major damage from landing in a house 4 blocks away, and was in critical condition for at least three days. The exact nature will be detailed in the itemization of damages.

The reason we are billing you for the damages is because we have, through extensive investigation, have determined that the front door was wired to a cache of explosives placed in the basement of the dwelling of Mr. Solovyov. The front door was pressure sensitive, so when Lightning Rider's hoof met the door, the trap went off. Along with this, we have found that the entire front and back yards were soaked in gasoline. (And by soaked, we are pretty sure that you could have fueled a small universe with it for a day). Therefore, this is sabotage, not accidental, and therefore we must asks for reparations.

While we cannot find the body, we have no idea if Mr. Solovyov is alive, dead, undead, or non-existent. Therefore, due to our policy, we must bill the next surviving family member, which is in this case, is the wife, which we assume is you. However, if you can prove name is alive, we will bill him instead. (And since he is still a chosen Participant, we will do so personally.)

As for the itemization of damages:

Medical Costs: 367,222 bits

Our doctors have had do several surgeries in the last few days to get Lightning Rider back onto a stable condition. It will take some more time before he will be able to resume his duties as a Representative. Fortunately, we had the necessary supplies from recent Ceremonies to be expedient with the surgeries. We even had a set of light yellow wings that we were able to graft onto his body, although it will take about a week before we can tell if they will be compatible. Plus side is his wings and body won't be three separate colors this time.

Investigation Costs: 54,327 bits

While we understand that your local police force is competent, we would wish that this matter be held discreetly and with the utmost care. Therefore, we sent two of our own Investigators, along with some security in case of secondary measures by (name). While we did this, we also had to recompense people for looking the other way, or excepting the story that we tell them. (Turns out your local police force is also quite easily bribed as well.)

Transportation Costs: 1,543 bits

It takes a decent amount of energy to cross the multiverse, more so for an emergency evacuation like we had to do for Lightning Rider. And since it takes money to get this energy, we are charging you for it.

Replacement Costs: 947 bits

There were several things in the possession of our Representative that were damaged or completely burned to a crisp, including his uniform (Which throws our High Priest of Fashion into a fit every time this happens. She designs each of those uniforms with care and love. At least she didn't faint on her couch this time.), his beacon (To signal for him to be retrieved by our Targeteers), and his lunch (He is most unhappy about this. It was his favorite meal). These all must be replaced.

Unfortunately, money does not grow on trees (we've tried), and while all members of the Church do this for their love of Her, they also do have expectations of being paid. Because of this, we must be expedient with recouping all losses.

This brings us to the matter at hand. You are in debt to the amount of 424,039, Equestrian. You may repay us in one of the following ways:

1) You may pay the amount, in full, within 30 days. We will not bother you again on this matter.

2) You may fill out form P-13, and mail it back to us. One of our Ministers of Finance will contact you to negotiate a payment plan that would allow you to pay back the debt in a piecemeal matter. We do not even charge interest of any kind, unlike most other businesses.

3) You may choose to work off this debt to the Church. We have plenty of positions here that need to be filled, anywhere from cleaning up a Ceremony Chapel, to licking stamps and filling envelopes, to cooking for our Cafeteria, to anything else we may have you do. While these are very low-end jobs, we do pay decently and provide you room and board while you repay us. And who knows? You might even want to join us on a more permanent basis. If this is the option that you wish to invoke, please fill out form P-14 and mail it back. We will contact you shortly.

Please remember that if you are overdue, we will pursue all methods available to us to collect on this payment. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us.

Her Will Be Done

Gint Keldor

High Priest of Finances (Owed)

P.S. We are not accepting any Zimbabwean money at this time. Please do not give us any trillion dollar notes in this currency.

Author's Note:

Well, this makes chapter 3. Had a bit of a struggle, but I got it done!

Not much to say, other than I'm hoping I can get this on Equestria Daily. Bets on it happening?

Also, here's my idea for the next chapter: We all know about the story of Cupcakes. But is it the true story of the Rise of Pinkamena? Or is it a corrupted manuscript, missing several facts? We ran in circles trying to figure it out. Then one of us came up with an idea.

Let's just ASK her...

Tell me, is this worth going on about? Or is there something else you want to see? I'm always open to feedback.


End file.
